What to Say (And Not Say) When Your Child Is Anxious

Anxious kids aren't trying to be difficult—they're trying to feel safe. And how we respond to their worries can either build that sense of safety… or quietly chip away at it.

As a therapist and child life specialist, I’ve seen how powerful a parent’s words can be. You don’t have to get it perfect—but with some awareness and a few key shifts, you can help your child feel truly heard, understood, and supported.

Here’s a breakdown of common phrases to skip—and what to say instead.

🚫 “You’re okay.”

Why it misses the mark:
It might look like reassurance, but to a child who feels like the world is falling apart, it sounds dismissive. Telling them they’re okay when they clearly don’t feel okay can make them feel misunderstood or even ashamed for feeling anxious.

✅ Try instead:
“I can see this feels really big/scary for you right now. I’m here with you.”
This validates their emotion and grounds them in your presence, which is more calming than any quick fix.

🚫 “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Why it misses the mark:
This phrase assumes logic can override fear. But anxiety doesn’t play by logic’s rules—especially for kids. Dismissing the fear can accidentally send the message: You shouldn't feel this way.

✅ Try instead:
“That sounds like a really hard worry. Let’s talk about it together.”
You’re not erasing the fear—you’re entering into it with them, showing them it doesn’t have to be handled alone.

🚫 “Calm down!”

Why it misses the mark:
Has anyone ever calmed down because they were told to? This one tends to escalate anxiety, especially if the child is already dysregulated.

✅ Try instead:
“Let’s take a deep breath together. One… two… three…”
Modeling regulation is more effective than demanding it. Keep your voice soft, steady, and low—even if their volume is up.

🚫 “You’re being dramatic.”

Why it misses the mark:
Oof. This one stings. Even if their response feels disproportionate to the situation, labeling it “dramatic” teaches them their feelings aren’t valid.

✅ Try instead:
“Your feelings are real, even if the worry feels bigger than the situation.”
You can gently reflect the difference between perception and reality—without shutting them down.

🚫 “Just ignore it.”

Why it misses the mark:
Ignoring anxiety doesn’t make it go away. It teaches kids to stuff it down, and unprocessed emotions? They don’t vanish—they sneak out in behavior, sleep issues, or somatic complaints.

✅ Try instead:
“When that worry shows up, what could we say back to it?”
Turn it into a dialogue. Give their anxiety a name or a character if needed. (“Is Worry Monster showing up again?”) That externalizes the anxiety and gives your child power.

🧠 Bonus Tip: You Don’t Have to Fix It

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is:
“I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

That’s it. No magic words. Just presence. Just connection.

💬 Final Thought

You can’t protect your child from ever feeling anxious—but you can give them the tools and support to face those feelings with courage. Your words matter. Your presence matters. And every moment you choose connection over correction? That’s therapy-level parenting.

Want more support in helping your anxious child? Reach out too schedule a free 15 minute consultation to see if we can support you.